"I'm In LOVE with a Fairytale,take ME away Mr Prata Man”
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
February 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
December 2010
March 2011
June 2011
Dear GOD if you are there.. Pls answer me
Tuesday, June 17, 2008 || 1:24 AM
Dear diary, my ****** said something that matters a lot to her to me. she have tried to keep it inside all these years but i know that she wanted to tell me and that she just wanted me to know about it. so i will be able to understand her and dun be like my other ******. i understand even without her saying it. i know that she had been unhappy for many years, it is just that i choose to be in denial. to ignore the fact seems easier to me. but i know that it is unfair to her. and that's not how i am suppose to be.
But suddenly something inside of me just snapped you know. the words that she says are repeating itself in my mind like a tape recorder or something of that sort. i just felt so lost. i feel that i have an extra burden on my shoulders but i cannot give in to the stress or pressure. i have to stay strong for her and myself. but the more i am trying to be someone i am not the more my heart is trying to resist it. but deep down i know i can't just say no to her. she mean a lot to me. she watched me grow up. she was there for me every step of the way. and now she tells me that she feels very guilty for wat i have to go through this at this age or this period of my life. but i dun! i feel that wat i have experience for the pass 8 years of my life have been very meaningful and yes even though it was not my proudest moments but i have learnt a lot of things i know i will do it differently when i happen to be in that situation.
now i feel that i dun want her to be in this situation in the first place. i want to get her out of there. i feel that even though something bad happens and i was there to give her a hug and to tell her that everything was going to be alright. i haven really do anything for her. No she is not alright and i have to do something. but i realise that i have lost to right to tell her that everything going to be alright. because even i can't handle my own problems. even i break down so often but just that she doesn't know. oh god you have to be there for me. cause i got to be strong for her and i can't break down in front of her. but i am not perfect you know. there will be a time that i am not strong enough for her and instead i need someone to help me up or give me a pat on my shoulder telling me i have tried my best and that there is nothing to feel guilty about.
i dun want to disappoint her and her expectations of me. i dun want to fail her. i want to be someone she hoped i would be and even better. but sometimes i feel that i cannot do it anymore. i feel that i am very tired and need a time out from everything. but to think again, she has been tired for many years and have not even breathe a word of complain to me. who am i to complain and whine for having to work hard for my very own future? i have totally NO freaking right to do that. and if she decided to leave i will follow her. even though it is hard to give up the life i am having right now. but i will try and get used to it very fast. i rather lose all the materialistic stuff from my life than to lose her. i am all she have and she is not going to lose the only thing she helped create. she gave her life and soul for me and i will do the same for her without questions because i love her. and i want her to be able to smile and laugh freely. with no burden or troubles or worries, cause i will be there for her. always this is the promise i made to her and i intend to keep it. i know it will be hard to stand up to the people who loves you. but for her i am willing to go through that because i know that she have suffered far more worse than me. and i intend to fight for her in every way i can. i will try.
Casue She Ain't Heavy, She's My Mother!! Dear god if you are out there somewhere. Please make everything alright? I dun want her to be sad ever again. Please God i am sincerely begging you to make it happen. Thanks, love you. Good Night, God bless.
