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Church... Closure...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009 || 1:24 AM
There are things that i have in my life which i am not very proud of. This Sunday i will be going to church with my Boyfriends family. I am nervous and excited... I wanted to find closure for so long about something that has been bugging me but i dunno where is the place where i can find myself. But i think that God have send Benji to me as a blessing and he will be the one who will lead me to church and finally into God's arms.... I am just scare that God will not accept me anymore.. Have he given me too many chances already that now i will be judged without a trial? I am only 17 but yet i am already a convict? In this world the sins that i have many sound like child's play to another man sins. But i know that it all depends on you. Not comparing with others. I didn't go to church when i was young and even now. I always feel that going to church is more scary then being alone on the first day of school. Because you are there but no one talks to you. People say that as a Christian they are always welcoming and ready to accept others. But i dun see that. I was too scare to even make a sound to make friends. Even when i know somebody in that church, that somebody is not going to be there for me when i need them. They are there but yet not really there. Thus when i go to the church i feel even more alone because even though you are there no one seems to notice me. I believe that a church is a place where you can be at peace with yourself. And there you will find your true self and be able to connect with God.
My ideal place of a church would be the ones that you see in Paris... All those beautiful paintings in the wall and the atmosphere of even being in a church. I dun need a priest to talk about God to me... I alone have seem his powers and how it have saved me. i just need some time alone with him. But i can never seem to find it. I just want to knee in front of him and tell him everything. Even though God can know the deepest darkest secrets in our hearts but i really want to tell him myself. I want to cry out to him and let my burden be eased. But when i am doing that i want someone close to me to be there to hold me and catch me when i fall. For many years i have been wishing for a boyfriend, many years. And finally one day in the year 2007 i have found that person.... I thank him so much for this gift. And guess what to my surprise he is a christian too... Even though he have many flaws ( well, hey! Who doesn't?), he doesn't say nice things or know how to be a gentlemanly to you and worse of all i have made him cry a few times... ( sorry... My bad..) But the best thing of all is that he LOVES me.... I know love is not everything. But he is trying i can see ( to have a better future and to prove his worth to many people and himself.) and i am also giving him the support he needs. i want him to be by my side when i need him. To be my listening ear whenever i have something to say. Or to just even let me cuddle beside him, not a word needed. I believe when a couple is in a relationship for a long period of time there have nothing to say to each other. Not in a bad way, but they are just able to be right beside each other and no say a thing not because they have no feelings for each other but there are no words needed between them.
After soooo much crap... I still can't believe i am going to a church for the first time in 5 years. I really hope that i can still feel the same with him as i did many years ago. But this time would be different because i would not be alone... I have someone to hold my hands with me. ( I am say holding hands as in a term because physically he doesn't like to hold hands, [ it is one of his flaws, sadly] )
