Tainted Nails and a Roses of Tattoo

"I'm In LOVE with a Fairytale,take ME away Mr Prata Man”

Go away...

Sunday, September 12, 2010 || 12:52 AM

"Grace, I tell you something. You don't be angry ok."

I dun understand, if you think that i will be angry when you say something like that then dun say, cause no matter how i say i dun care or dun mind. I still will.

I am not like my sisters, all pretty and demure and well brought up. Well i am well brought up but in a different way i am sure of it. I am not like them, how many times have i shown you that i am not. And how many times have you told me to be like them.

I am sorry, i cannot and will not do that. I am who i am. I can't be somebody i am not. What kind of people lives their life base on another person's ideal life? Maybe there is, but i am sure as hell i am not one of them. I am going to life my life the way i want and make it out to be.

Is it about time to accept the fact that maybe i am different from what i used to be 1 year ago?

You cannot assume that after being through all that, i will still be the same. I have a new life, a new start from it all. And i will move one, with my own set of rules and principle to follow.

Whether you like it or not, your little gal now wear heels, instead of slippers or sandals. have a bf instead of just friends, and that you little gal grows more and more mature every single day when you are not around.

So why oh why, can't you accept what you see and the way i am ? I am not like my sisters, i am not demure or gentle or pretty....

I am... just Me..

I have a different group of friends and i know people that will never be in my sisters social circle. But that doesn't mean that they are all bad right? You cannot judge a book by it cover. Cause if you are, then you are judging me too.

Dun i deserve to make friends and chose them for who they are, dun i deserve to fall and learnt to pick myself up? I have been doing that for god knows how long. What makes you think i am not strong enough?

Every time when i try to show my true self, you all will judge, "Grace, dun wear like that." "Grace, dun talk that way."

Doesn't mean my sisters dun wear like that or dun say certain things, i have to be like them. I am NOT.

I am not them, and i will never be. So if your expectations is for me to be like them, then i dun think i make the mark. Cause i when off course a long time ago. I am more open toward life and i am more wild and free. But despite all, i know my limits. Maybe it is difficult to believe me. But i never skip school to go out with my friends or even to fail an assignment. Believe it or not, i still feel guilty if i go and have fun without doing my work first.

I will always worry about my work.

I am starting to think that you all will never know who i really am even when i am all grown up. Yes, of course there are a lot of things to learn in life, but aren't we all ? I dun think i will lose to any of my sisters. So maybe i am the black sheep of the family. I dun mind as long as i am good at what i am doing and i believe in myself.

I can't live my life using the rules you set out for me. You tell me to listen to you and i will not go wrong, but how true is that? Have you looked at your life? No one is really correct about anything. You once said that anybody and everybody can give you advice but you can chose which one to take and which one to listen and shut off.

Well then, i chose my own set of advice for myself. I have my own set of rules according to my own life, and i will learnt how to minus and add them as i go through in life. But you have to know that you cannot teach me everything in life, neither can you watch over me forever.

So why not learn to let me go slowly now, step by step. Accept the things you cannot change. Every child wants to be accepted by their parents, if you love me then why can't you see me for me and not me living under the shadows of my sister? Why must you make me uncomfortable in my own skin?

I have accepted you for who you are. Within a year of the separation both parents have found some one they love. When you told me that you have someone you wanted me to meet and i have to be polite and good to her. Did i say anything bad or childish?

I remember i told you i know and i understand, Because i think of you. I dun want you to live alone with no one to be with you when you are old. Everybody came to me and help you explain and tell me to be more understanding. What makes you think i will create trouble for you and demand my father back? I didn't, even though i know who she really is. Did i say anything? No i didn't, i ACCEPTED YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND YOUR ACTIONS. Because i love you so i know that if this makes you happy and satisfied in life then go ahead. I will support you and i will be good to her as long as she is good to you.

Then why can't you show me the same courtesy? Just because you are older then me doesn't make you right always. People makes mistakes, it says PEOPLE not Young people. So please dun assume that you are always right.

When Mel (sorry to pull my sister into the picture) had a bf at the age of 18 or 19. you told me to not say a word to her. I know it is because you feel that you owe her, cause when she was young, you didn't really fetch her to school and she have to always go to place alone. I know and i can understand that.

But to me, you think otherwise, you think i will forget all my studies and just keep thinking about love. Let me tell you, if i want to have a future with the person i love, then i have to make a future for myself. I dun want to be a burden to him. I dun want to set limits for him because of my incapabilities or clip his wings, but rather i want to be able to fly beside him and able to help him whenever he needs help.

I know what i have to do. I am not like those other gals you see or heard on tv or news. I am your daughter, if you are smart so am I smart.

I am sorry but from now onwards i am going to be who i am and when one day i decide to tell you everything about me be it through a calm voice or maybe through shouting. It is your turn to decide whether you want to accept me. Cause if you decided not to accept me, in the end of day, i know i accepted you for who you are and i did what i could.

I will live with it.

It is a Promise then?...

Saturday, September 4, 2010 || 3:08 AM

Dear love....

I want to know you, the real you. What are you thinking? What are you feeling at a certain time? What are you doing now? What should i do?

I am a selfish lover, you may say it comes in a package... But i want to be close to you. To be able to talk to you and hear your problems.. I will always be here to hear you out. Well, i dunno how long i will be beside you, but for now all i know is that i am here.

I am here beside you for a reason.. Don't you think so, love? That out all of the people in this world i met you? That i love you for your boldness, your laughter, the way you look at me, the way you hold my hand tightly, the way you curse and scold your computer? ~ Chuckles ~

I want to be with you, beside you, around you... Call me crazy but i want to do just that.. ( Hope i am not scaring you... )

I know that you dun talk about your problems and never liked to share with anybody. You dun want to make your problem someone else's. That i understand, really i do. Even though sometimes i feel like strangling the answers out of you, or wack you very hard on the head so that the answer may magically flow out of your mouth. But i know that i can't. Nobody will talk like that.

How should i tell you how i feel, love?

Through letters that forms a word that forms a sentence that forms a paragraph that forms a story of us?

By walking up to you and hold you, to give you whatever warmth i have? To just be there?

To tell you through music? I know how you love music and how you feel free in it...

Or maybe, to give you the simplest thing i can....

A SMILE?

You said that you dun want anything for your birthday or for any occasions. Well, then i will give you something that no money can buy, i will give you a promise.

A Promise that everyday will be your happiest day with me, I will make you the happiest old man in the world... ( Daring thought? Yes it is, but no regrets. I know that... )

I promise...

I know what i have to do....

I will use all of the above, I will say the most beautiful words to you when you need the

the most, i will walk beside you through it all, even though if we are stepping on thorns and

needles, i won't give up ( so you jolly well don't ), I will sing to you ( Haha... i am not bad actually,

no seriously) and every time when you turn back. i will be around to smile to you when you are

in doubt.

No, i dun need you to tell what happen, i just need you to let me by your side. I dun need to

know everything but i need to be beside you...

~ Will you do that, love? ~

~ Will you give me this promise in return? ~