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"I'm In LOVE with a Fairytale,take ME away Mr Prata Man”

June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 February 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 December 2010 March 2011 June 2011

if life ever becomes unbearable, live it on. it doesn't matter how or who may suffer, it is an endless journey in seek of new hope. people always say, hope is the last thing you lose after losing everything, then let me tell you, that is absolutely not through. becos you are you. you are a human and not god. that is why i tell YOU. relax your self and everything will be find. think about what you want to do in the future, think about where you want to go, who you want to live with, where you want to go for holidays, who did you meet, what kind of people that you met up with, this will form your future. so my dear friend, if anything were to happen and you are unable to speak up from it, understand one thing. never ever lose faith in anything. may it be love, life or results. your life is never always that miserable. remember that there are others out there who fight their lifes out in secrect, just so that normal people can live a better life.

all that has form will dissappear one day, same for miseries. no matter what, even if the sky were to fall or even if the world wold turn against you, remeber that there are always others who actually look after you. there is no point bothering your self over a matter which you already know has many complications. even if you were to understand the whole situation by itself, will you be able to have the courage to carry on and help your family member with?

so my dear friend, take good care of your self. know what? there was someone said this to me when i was small.

in order to care for you, i will leave you.
in order to protect you, i am willing to die for you.
in order to ensure that you, will be able to live in a world free of sorrows, i am willing to save you.
that is becos, i love you.

so tell me, if you're not going to be strong enough to support her, then the more you shouldn't bother your self with all kinds of remedies to save her. bcos towards the end, if you're unable to help her, the one who feels the worst, will be you. not your family member, but YOU. the only thing you can do right now is to ensure that you will always be there for her whenever she needs a shoulder to cry upon, a ear to listen on, and a heart to show that you care.

i've already said enough, so the future now lies in your hands. seeking the gods for help will not do you any good. they will not be able to help you if you do not help your self. they have their own rules and they have already sweared upon, not to meddle in the lifes of humans. the only thing they can provide for you, is a ear for you to seek them for help, and clues along your journey to save you.

understand that, and believe you will grow up to be a fine person. jia you bah!

Dear diary, my ****** said something that matters a lot to her to me. she have tried to keep it inside all these years but i know that she wanted to tell me and that she just wanted me to know about it. so i will be able to understand her and dun be like my other ******. i understand even without her saying it. i know that she had been unhappy for many years, it is just that i choose to be in denial. to ignore the fact seems easier to me. but i know that it is unfair to her. and that's not how i am suppose to be.

But suddenly something inside of me just snapped you know. the words that she says are repeating itself in my mind like a tape recorder or something of that sort. i just felt so lost. i feel that i have an extra burden on my shoulders but i cannot give in to the stress or pressure. i have to stay strong for her and myself. but the more i am trying to be someone i am not the more my heart is trying to resist it. but deep down i know i can't just say no to her. she mean a lot to me. she watched me grow up. she was there for me every step of the way. and now she tells me that she feels very guilty for wat i have to go through this at this age or this period of my life. but i dun! i feel that wat i have experience for the pass 8 years of my life have been very meaningful and yes even though it was not my proudest moments but i have learnt a lot of things i know i will do it differently when i happen to be in that situation.

now i feel that i dun want her to be in this situation in the first place. i want to get her out of there. i feel that even though something bad happens and i was there to give her a hug and to tell her that everything was going to be alright. i haven really do anything for her. No she is not alright and i have to do something. but i realise that i have lost to right to tell her that everything going to be alright. because even i can't handle my own problems. even i break down so often but just that she doesn't know. oh god you have to be there for me. cause i got to be strong for her and i can't break down in front of her. but i am not perfect you know. there will be a time that i am not strong enough for her and instead i need someone to help me up or give me a pat on my shoulder telling me i have tried my best and that there is nothing to feel guilty about.

i dun want to disappoint her and her expectations of me. i dun want to fail her. i want to be someone she hoped i would be and even better. but sometimes i feel that i cannot do it anymore. i feel that i am very tired and need a time out from everything. but to think again, she has been tired for many years and have not even breathe a word of complain to me. who am i to complain and whine for having to work hard for my very own future? i have totally NO freaking right to do that. and if she decided to leave i will follow her. even though it is hard to give up the life i am having right now. but i will try and get used to it very fast. i rather lose all the materialistic stuff from my life than to lose her. i am all she have and she is not going to lose the only thing she helped create. she gave her life and soul for me and i will do the same for her without questions because i love her. and i want her to be able to smile and laugh freely. with no burden or troubles or worries, cause i will be there for her. always this is the promise i made to her and i intend to keep it. i know it will be hard to stand up to the people who loves you. but for her i am willing to go through that because i know that she have suffered far more worse than me. and i intend to fight for her in every way i can. i will try.

Casue She Ain't Heavy, She's My Mother!! Dear god if you are out there somewhere. Please make everything alright? I dun want her to be sad ever again. Please God i am sincerely begging you to make it happen. Thanks, love you. Good Night, God bless.

Hais... Recently feeling very stress sia...
Cause BIG Os is coming soon then even though got do alot of maths practise. Still feeling very scare. Dunno whether can make it anot. Hais....
How? I dun have much confident about my subjects leh....

History and Social Studies have to memberise a lot of stuff leh. I dun want lah... Very scary leh.. Seeing so many books and notes infront of you and some more you got to know them by heart on the day of your exams. Make sure they dun go FLYING out of the window once you step into the examination hall!!!! WA....DAMN SCARY LOR!

But History and SS i am quite ok with it lah casue i like it ma!! MuWaHaHaHa..... (>.<)
But hor! For science i am scare lor... Aiyo i know i everything also scare lah but wat to do it is really vey scary wat!! Chemistry ok lah still have a huge interest in it except for that STUPID MOLE"S CONCEPT ( my ars lah!!) Teacher say it is easily where got? I dun think so lor!! Some more my Maths can go and HANG myself on the CEILING FAN liao lah.
Physics is my xing tong(heartache) .... I am seriously ok with it one lor. I am starting to like it liao but sometimes it is really very hard to understand leh... Theory i can manage lah but for practical i think i can stay at home and sleep liao...


Aiyo... Paisay, i feel like i am airing my dirty laundry in the public for all to see. hahaha... (^.^) Oops... Well.. everyone who know me and sadly is going through the same thing as me!! Dun worry JIA YOU!! Make sure all of us must have SINGLE digit and go up to the stage and prove to our school that SO WAT IF WE ARE NORMAL ACADEMIC? We still can do as well as the EXPRESS!!!1



if somebody told you that life IS a fairy tale, would you believe it? tell you what, i will never believe it. humans evolve through clamities, at least that was what i was taught. humans pray to god to ask for help, to save them from this calamity. but if humans themselves aren't willing to save themselves, how would god be able to help them? there was once i met a girl whom i saw praying very earnestly. i asked her what was she doing here instead of training for the upcoming ranking selection matches. she told me this, " but if i do that, i will get hurt. that's why i pray to god, so that he can protect me from getting hurt." i asked her for the reason why she wanted to join the 14 squads. she replied me in a very innocent manner, " cos it looks like fun!"

you know what, even though i know that she doesn't mean it i got seriously pissed off. if you said it is fun and you join us, do you know what would happen to you? do you, as a person who believes herself as carefree be able to go through everything, give up EVERYTHIng just to be in the 14 squads. people just leave you know.. so tell me, how can you say that it is fun?

if you die, not even god can save you. afterall , the abide by the 3 most prominent laws which govern them. humans often say that being a god is nice. then i ask all of those who believes so. ARE YOU SURE? humans are greedy, that is in their nature. regardless of how pure or how nice you are, this is the truth. once you get hold of something you've wanted, you will never ever want the same thing again, you might even THROW it away, no matter how much you seem to want it in the past. but the PAST is the PAST. should look forward, thats why some throw away whatever they had just to gain it. but then again, let me ask you. will you be glad?

if i were to ask you, what is genjutsu, what is reality. would you have been able to answer me. somebody asked me this. i blanked out.. i didn't know what to say.

so then let me ask you. should humans take control of their own lives, and life their own ways, and be the master of their own destinies, or to believe that god has everything planned out for you. please, all those who think this way understand one thing. gods are not your PLANNERS. the things they can do are like, tell you or help you when you're in danger. bcos every human baby who was born in this earth called their names when they were born. but as i said, humans are forgetful. even when you were born, you called their names, would you still be able to remember and call their names when you depart?

remember one thing, HUMANS ARE THE MASTER OF THEIR OWN LIVES. REGARDLESS OF WHAT EVER THAT HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE, OR IN THE PAST JUST SHOWS US ONE THING. you exist. depend on nobody but yourself. trust NOBODY, but yourself. hate nobody when things go wrong, but YOURSELF. you are the one who made the choices, so face up to the consequences. regardless of how poor, sick, rich anybody can be, this is life. face it.

understand it and take the next step to move on forward, and live on.

- give me a reason to stay.. give me a reason to live..
give me a reason to hold you near me
once the fog is cleared...everything will be gone..will you still believe
think back about the days when we were small..
and you smiled innocently pointing at the fog..
nothing was to be said.. just looking at the rainbow..will you still be there?
now that i often shout your name in my heart .. nothing is left there
now that you are in a place where I cannot reach you...
thankyou for being there-

lol. sound so emo. bUAHAHAHAHA.

-yume wa na ni?-

Teardrops on my window plane... tears blurred my vision and at the same time wastes away my feelings left for something and someone. Today something sparked it and that was the last straw. I did something that was right and I am sure anyone will do the same thing as me.
But how can something right feel so wrong? Why on earth am I feeling so misunderstood by someone so close to my heart? Someone who watches me as I grew up, took great care of me but yet the words from this special person cuts so deep into my heart? NO, i dun hate him or dislike him either. He is just being himself and that's the worse thing because he hurts you and doesn't even know. And even if he does, he will never ever admit his mistakes. Sound familar? Well.. it is very familar to me. Everyday to him i am someone who lives in a shadow. Yes we have some funny and enjoyable moments. But the painful memories outweighs the good in so many ways.
He will never acknowledge me for who i am and wat i am. He will never see the true side of me. And neither will i ever want to show him. He have lost me. But i will never lose him. Because i will not let him off that easily, He will be my motivation, he will be the one who will set my standards in this stage of my life. I will have a chance to prove my worth and earn my keep. I will not let him get me down. I will not have to feel gulity for doing the things i love and treasure. He will not have that kind of control over me. I will have a chance to break free, but now is not the him yet. I still have to learn, understand and know the rules of this game.
Today, instead of feeling happy for something i have done for myself. I feel lost and confused with my purpose and emotions. But i will be alright, i will find myself again. I have recovered from this type of incident countless times and yet i am still able to face him with a warm and cheerful attitude. Now i just got to remind myself and give myself a reason to stay until the time comes to throw all these away, just like wat i have always wanted.

P.S: the HE i am refering to is not my bf... (just so you know)
sorry guys for posting such a depressing issue. can't help it. (>.<)


Last year at the start of the June holidays, my teacher Mrs. XXX shared with us an incident about one of our schoolmate being a victim to a flasher. A typical Singaporean who happen to be a Chinese. Wat shocked me was that he was actually a young man. In his late twenties I think. But shouldn’t these young adults find pleasure in another way? I mean come on. You are young and well Physically “FIT”. Why don’t find some other way to satisfy your own need. I thought that that guy would have probably gone somewhere else, as you know schools upon hearing these stuff and coming from their students tend to sound the alarm way way beyond the mysterious beyond. So I thought well… He will never appear around our school area anymore. Well well, later did I know on this fateful day 2-6-2008 one year after that event, that bloody idiot choose me as his next conquest. Around 1.45pm when I was walking out of my school and towards the block of HDB flats, it acts as a shortcut towards the MRT station. Well Mr. Idiot here was touching himself while sitting on the stone bench (you know the one you can play Chinese chess on it?). As I was getting closer and closer towards the flight of staircase, I can’t help but notice this guy sitting on the stone bench near the life lobby doing something “personal”. A though came into my mind “ Oh man, it is that GUY! Shit, now I am his next victim. Great! Wat a nice way to end my day at school I swear to God.” Then as I get closer to him, I can feel he also started to notice me looking at him. There was a smile, smirk (whatever you called) appeared on his pathetic face. Then Mr. Idiot was on the move, he stood in front of me and “OPSY” dropped his pants. Really at that instance I felt like kicking him right in the jewels. Hey you can’t say that I am too much or crazy. When a guy does that to anyone accept his wife or girlfriend that person is probably going to do the exact same thing as me. So as I was saying the moment he did that my brain literary disengaged. Anyway I was polite enough by walking away from him. I got around him and continued my march home, suddenly that freaking numb nut called me. I turned around and shouted, yelled, hollered (pick any one will do to suit my description) at him to go fuck himself. Sorry by being vulgar for a moment but that was the most disgusting thing you will ever want to see in the afternoon. Damn that man was disgusting and so full of himself.

Ok. Look if that man was so desperate why dun go to the famous Geylang? Instead wind up at Serangoon? Wat? He couldn’t read the sign that say Serangoon and Geylang? Someone give this guy a street directory for goodness sake. Why do people have such sick habits? Please, touching yourself in public is 100% uncivilized and ill breed. Most importantly he choose a place where children is being taught how to become an asset to today’s society, a school. That’s the place he chooses to brave difficult obstacles to breach and challenge Singapore law. Well I got to say that guy have a lot of balls. Singapore is one of the most advance countries despite our small and tiny population. But yet the people living around us are definitely not behaving that way. We dun carry ourselves well enough to impress others. Only certain bunch of people does. Look at our father’s generation, wat do you see? (No offence seriously) I mean people at our father’s generation still spit wherever and whenever they go. Forms a sentence always with hokkien vulgarities slot in between them. Have a very quick and bad temper (well at least mine fits the bill). Always expect things to be done in an instance treating you like the round and chubby fairy godmother. Have absolutely no knowledge of the computer and never interested in actually learning how to handle one. And now it comes to our generation, we are starting to sound and grow up to be the exact same replica of our fathers. Some thank god like mothers but mostly follows after fathers. Isn’t is amazing that a Secondary 1 already have the same vocabulary capacity as their father’s in terms of vulgarities. And worst of all some kids dun even know the meaning of the word. They use it so commonly in almost every sentence when they are talking to their friends. Laughing about it and the most common word is a hokkien version of describing a female private part. How fascinating is that? Since when man respect the opposite sex so much that we have became a part of them in their everyday lives. In almost every sentence they form in their tiny little brain. Well I dun really get it. Using vulgarities is so common in Singapore like fuck in the US. People dun really care anymore and vulgarities have slowly become a part of our lives. So closely bonded that if you say you have never use vulgarity on anyone before you are consider a “saint”. Really, you are considered the weird one. Oh well that’s the way in Singapore, I think. Even me being a local Singaporean dun really know wat to do with these habits that have been cultivated in us for many generations and it will continued to be passed on for many years to come. Bitch Queen signing off.

1/6/2008 (Sunday)
It’s been a long time since I have been writing. So well I am back!! Missed me? Nah I dun think so, anyway recently there was a commotion about this movie called Sex and the City. Starred by Sarah Jessica Parker and many more, hey that’s all I knew about the show. I am not a fan of that movie about I got to tell you, I think I am interested in watching that movie, ya I know that it’s underage. But wat the hell… nobody cares about it. There’s always something called pirated VCD, man! Anyway I creped into my sister room to watch the First Season and "hey wat you know! Blam that show hit me like a tiger wave." How I wish I could be like those gals. You know having a job that they love and have passion for. They have goals in life and live each day to it’s fullest. Four gals hanging out together. Talking about everything that affects their lives. And the best part is they are able to talk about SEX so openly. You know, around my friends SEX is like the four letter word. No, erm how should I put it? It is like the "you know who" in Harry Potter movie. You can’t speak about it, breathe about it or even think about it. It is the taboo word. In our culture sex is rising up to the surface and smack right into our cute, innocence face. Our parents dun even wants to talk to us about it. It is just invisible to them. But Nooooo… When our parents starts to notice that sex is only a word they dun need to worry about because it is the action that they need to start worrying. Then they start to go goo goo gaga over us. Telling us wat to do and wat not to do. Hey F.I.Y we know that long time ago!! Come on man, sex is a self-explored topic. No one teaches you wat to do and wat not to do. You learned it yourself. I mean come on, almost every teenager watches porn, like bees to honey, children in a candy shop? I am not saying that it is bad, you watch it and that’s your problem. Everybody have that right, so just because everybody has that right SEX has become the knowledge that occupies most our brain. Even gals’ watches porn, it is the curiosity that intrigue us to go to that computer and type that simple but yet disturbing sentence. ( I am not going to spell it out for you’ll. ) So now sex has become the trend in our society, having sex is cool and that it puts you in a different region that sets you aside from the rest. Youngsters think that they are very mature since they have sex and the skills to please the opposite sex. Well hello!! Earth to teenagers, earth to teenagers please snap back to reality, having sex ain’t getting you nowhere. In the first place sex shouldn’t be base on something superficial, like I will get more respect if I do that or he will love me more and even worst I am COOL. Please guys technology has not been kind to you, by feeding you all these crappy stuff. Watching porn and doing it is two very separate things. People in porn movies are porn stars; you ain’t a porn star so dun get it all wrong about sex. Teenagers have so many wrong concepts of cool and doing things that is in trend right now. There are many examples like smoking, tattoos (although I must say tattoo is very nice actually if you ask me, well that’s not the point) and worst of all is doing drugs. Doing all these things dun set you aside from the losers and the noobs. Instead you classify yourself by branding the mark "Ah Bengs" and "Ah Lians" on your forehead. Doing all these things dun make you look cool but making yourself become an open book where people take one glance at you and judge you for what you are. Because you are an open book people dun have the interest to "read" you. So basically your teenage life is practically ruin. Coming back to the topic of SEX, just apply the some type of concept I have used from the above examples. Then you will get a clearer picture, I am not saying having sex is totally not good. It could be because of your age or maybe having sex for all the wrong reasons. Age I cannot control it or advise you but reasons I can say.

Firstly, as I have written at the upper part of the passage, you cannot have sex wishing that the other party would give you something in return. For example, A is a guy and you are A’s girlfriend, B. A and B have been going steady for 9 months plus and all of a sudden B heard from one of her girlfriends that having sex with your partner will bring the relationship into another level. The higher level, whatever you called it. Anyway having being an idiot and "blinded" by love, B wanted to share that special something with A. Therefore B planned everything carefully and on the day of their one year anniversary B pops that question to A. And as usual being a guy who by the way happens to be very visual CREATURES (Information given by my BF) , gave in to the "seduction" and agree with B to complete that "special bond". So the rest is history (Meaning they "roll around" in bed) but after a few days of the incident B suddenly realize that A and B’s relationship isn’t improving at all. Instead B felt uneasy and uncomfortable around A. This is because after the incident A felt that B liked it and begin to have "thoughts" about doing it again. So A started to ask for more soon the whole relationship evolves around having sex and the love between them simply vanished, like it never existed before. The worst is yet to come, now B felt dirty and disgusted by wat she is doing because she never though it will turn out this way. She felt that the relationship on longer stands on solid ground and that this "love" is no love at all. Finally B will feel that she has given someone the one thing that really belongs to her and because of a moment of folly she have lost it to someone she dun really love. Now how sad is that?

Secondly having sex because some idiot asked you to or influence by the damn machine, the computer. I dun know about Singaporeans but in America sometimes when a guy turns 16 (sweet sixteen) and on that day a boy "transforms" into a man. So his super sweet friends decided to let him experience his first sex by hiring a hooker or bring him to sex parties. Just to let him have a taste of love…. Ah wat caring and thoughtful friends to have. Nah wrong, these friends are the worst sorts of friends you could ever have in your lifetime. Hey remember that you are the one getting AIDS sleeping around with women not them. All they can say " hey bro, look I am really very sorry for it man." And the world goes round, people waking up early in the morning to get ready for work; the sun still rises and sets as usual. Nothing changes because it all boils down to you and your choice. No one is a victim when it comes to decision- making. You have a choice and you made it so you have to live with it and BLAME no one. Many things can happen overnight or worst in an instant. It's the same thing that applies to sex. You dun do it because you have to! For Christ sake you are not a chimp or any other animals trying to spread your seeds into as many females you can to ensure your survival! You are also not a dog that goes humping on every lamppost, got it? Think before you do anything stupid especially in our age (16 to adulthood). Even sex sometimes means something to guys (well not every guy but certain guys who dun have a character and attitude of a scumbag). Some guys really put their heart and soul into a relationship while sex is basically something to spice the relationship and nothing more.